There were four good reasons why DC United beat Columbus Crew so comprehensively on Saturday night. And they were all called Brian.

When the visitors lined up at RFK, MLS statisticians were searching feverishly through the archives to see the last time that four players with the Christian name Brian stepped out in the same starting line-up. After hours of exhaustive research it soon became clear that the Crew had, thanks to Misters West, McBride, Dunseth and Maisonneuve, set a new ‘Brian’ record. And possibly not just for the MLS, but for any soccer team, anywhere. But this momentous sporting landmark came at a heavy price.

When I was a kid, Brian was the name of the cheery but rather witless snail in The Magic Roundabout. Ever since then it’s been difficult to take the name seriously. It’s perhaps one level down from a regular guy’s name. Normalish, but sort of dorky, as Brians are often moustached and wear unfashionable glasses. And so, for me at least, a team almost half full of Brians was always set to fail.

Clearly, the lads from Ohio suffered from communications problems right at the start. This was, I’m sure, preceded by a confusing tactical talk in which coach Greg Andrulis pointed at a blackboard and said, "Right, Brian, I want you to play off Brian and then try to play it out wide to Brian. The rest of you, just look for Brian."

On the pitch this resulted in plenty of calling, with few positive results. If Brian West had the ball, and Brian McBride called out "Brian!", West had no idea if he had to pass it to McBride, or Maisonneuve, or Dunseth, or if McBride was just yelling out a friendly greeting. In the time he was deciding what to do, even Marco Etcheverry had time to cover back. Andrulis finally cottoned on to this in the second half by substituting one Brian (Maisonneuve), with a Trevor (Perea), but by then his side was already 1-0 down, and still remained too Brian-heavy to stage a comeback.

This is not to say you shouldn’t pick players called Brian at all, it’s just that you have to use them sparingly. San Jose coach Frank Yallop proved this to great effect by picking just a single Brian on Saturday night away at Dallas. The result? Brian Mullan scored the winning goal three minutes from time.

In a wider sense, the problem is the lack of nicknames in American culture.

If you’re called Todd, Scott or Logan then you tend to be stuck with those names for life, bless you. They’re good, honest, hearty Yank names, and when you’re a Chad or a Chip, you’re always a Chad or a Chip. The trouble is that there are loads of Scotts and Todds about. And Brians. In Britain, The Four Brians would be known as ‘Westy’, ‘Bridey’, ‘Mace’ and ‘Dunce’.

There are ways around this problem that Andrulis might like to take on board. One solution is to invent unlikely new names for your players if they’re too generic. Thus the Colorado midfielder previously known to his family and friends as Todd Scott (or was it Scott Todd?) is now called ‘Seth Trembly’. And guess what? He scored on Saturday night too. It’s that easy.

Or you can sign players named after the characters in another kids’ TV programme, The Teletubbies. Chicago has embraced this philosophy by taking on the Botswanan Dipsy Selolwane, while LA boast the experienced defender Alexei La La (what a great opportunity MLS missed in marketing soccer to the under-5s by naming LA ‘The Galaxy’ instead of the LA La Las). Out there somewhere are two young soccer players called Po and Tinky-Winky who are sure to make the grade in MLS some day soon.

DC coach Ray Hudson, being a UK native, has long since understood the importance of nicknaming your players. January’s draft was barely complete when he sat down with his squad, a pencil, and a sheet of blank paper to allocate monikers for the coming season. Not only had he assembled a varied and unusual list of names — from Dema to Eliseo through Santino and Galin — he had a nose for that special way of making a man feel that he belongs to the team. Add a ‘y’ to his name.

For centuries this has been a British method to encourage bonding among soccer players, but in the interests of widening the game’s appeal in the US I am finally sharing Hudson’s vital tactical secret. So now you know why the team has started to win — Mikey, Benny, Nellie, Esky, Etchie, Stoichy, Quinty and Quaranty have all started to gel as comrades off the pitch, and as co-operative, communicative passers of the ball on it. Why, there’s even a place for ‘Moffy’ Namoff, whose first name I forget.