Selected columns from my monthly review of football websites in When Saturday Comes

For more recent columns go to: http://www.dottwo.co.uk/onetouch/reviews/

January 2001 ‚ World Cup 2002 websites

If you've been lying awake at nights wondering what the mascot for the next World Cup is going to look like, then any worries you are harbouring about the talisman's shape and form have doubtless been soothed by the thought that nothing could look worse than the gormless half-man, half-chicken creature that adorned all memoribilia at France 98. Yet if you happen to be passing through the website for the Thailand national soccer team you'll discover that the collective marketing genius of FIFA and both the Japanese and Korean organising committees has come up with not one, but three, animated creations that will be acting as symbols for the 2002 tournament.

These three as yet unnamed Pokemon/Teletubby crossovers represent "a family of little creatures who set out to help create a special atmosphere at the World Cup finals." FIFA General Secretary Michel Zen-Ruffinen is quoted as being "very excited" by the new, 3-dimensional approach to mascotry, which he believes will "help communicate the values of the World Cup to everyone, especially children." Meaning, perhaps, that all concerned will make a fat wedge out of tat and spin-offs to exploitable kids, but log on for yourself and work out in what way the jumping jellybeans might possibly be connected with football.

The tournament's emblem, which you can see at the Official site of the Korean Organising Committee, is considerably more pleasing to the eye, even if the explanation behind its design is cant. For example, the gap in the top left hand corner of the emblem means that "each and every participant stands a chance of winning the Trophy", while the background colour white symbolises "purity" in Asia. And of course the noble intentions of FIFA too.

On the footballing side, you can take a visual tour of the Korean stadiums, with helpful bar charts informing you how near to completion the stadiums are, and whether or not that fits in with the projected time plan. If the site is to be believed, things seem to be coming along nicely, and the pictures certainly instigated a yearning in this viewer for a Far East holiday the summer after next. But you wonder if the city of Deagu is ready for the number of footballing pilgrims who will make their way to "the Great Buddha Figure of Reunification and the seated stone Buddha image which legend says can make at least one wish come true". The pot-gutted deity could be just the lad that England need.

The counterpart official site of the Japanese Organising Committee offers similar fare in terms of stadium pictures and background cultural information. It was disappointing, however, to click on 'Diet Committee for the 2002 World Cup' and find that this was not a panel of nutritionists set up to get Paul Gascoigne and Ramon Vega in shape for one last stab at international glory. Rather it's a list of local parliamentarians, but given the machinations of Japanese politics it could come in handy nearer the time if you need tickets and have a suitcase of yen to spare.

If you want to monitor the qualifiers in more detail than you'll find on the mainstream results sites, Football Asia, the official site of the Asian Football Confederation, covers that continent comprehensively, while the World Cup page of the excellent Africa Newswire Network will be the place to follow the African qualifiers from the end of this month (January) to the end of July, with match reports promised. Meanwhile, an informative and lucid commentary on Brazil's faltering progress to Japan and Korea can be read at the Reuters South American Football page in Brian Homewood's regular column.

Links:

Thailand national soccer team - http://chattirak.freeyellow.com/worldcup2002.html#

Official site of the Korean Organising Committee for the 2002 World Cup - http://www.2002worldcupkorea.org/

Official site of the Japanese Organising Committee for the 2002 World Cup -

http://www.jawoc.or.jp/index_e.htm

Africa Newswire Network - http://www.africanewswire.com/worldcup.shtml

Football Asia - http://www.asian-football.com/

Reuters South American Football -http://city.reuters.com/city/home/sportsweb/home_brazil_foot.shtml

December 2000 - Player websites

The world is not a big enough place to accommodate the egos of most profesional footballers, so it is not surprising that many of them have embraced the Internet as a new forum to promote themselves and all their brilliant achievements. It would be wrong to avoid such sites simply on the grounds that pros have little to tell us beyond how misunderstood they are by fans, the media and the world at large, because in many cases their home-pages are not just a vehicle for self-promotion, but unintentional platforms for protracted self-prattery.

The official homepage of Lothar Matthaeus reflects the 150-times capped German international's chronic Paul McCartney syndrome - instead of letting his achievements speak for him, he has to open his mouth and tell everyone several times over how fantastic he is and how often he's proven his detractors wrong. Even better is his bitchery when he slags off all his co-players at Euro 2000. "Ziegeís performance during the tournament was marred by an orgy of passes not reaching teammates..." he rails, and is no less sparing of former team-mates Scholl, Hamann and Kahn.

Such sites enter a new realm when players unwisely switch from football to matters more weighty, such as philosophy. Asked in a questionnaire what he dreams about, Matthaeus intones: "I never dream. If you dream, you get punished." So be warned, all those who have carelessly allowed their nocturnal subconsciousness to stray. You'll probably go blind too.

No such depth at the homepage of the above-mentioned Oliver Kahn. The Bayern goalie tells us that he's fond of golf and that it's a "nice diversion". But he doesn't have a lot of time for it as he's busy playing the stock market where he's following "a very conservative and long-term oriented strategy." His comments on football are no more riveting (especially as he conveniently skips the whole of Euro 2000 after his optimistic preview), and as the site's in German you might want to avoid it completely except for the 'Fun' page. Using your mouse you can distort Ollie's face into different shapes. Okay, it wasn't exactly fun, but it's weirdly gratifying if you imagine it as a cyber-equivalent of a voodoo doll, and that the obstreperous shot-stopper is sitting at home with his worried family, gurning at them across the kitchen table.

Some players prefer not to dwell too much on the football at all. For instance, the homepage of Marcel Desailly gives only selected Chelsea match reports, with the memory of the 2-0 defeat at St. Gallen no doubt forgotten due to the busy schedule of the modern footballer. Or perhaps Marcel took the opportunity of a trip to mainland Europe for some chateau-hopping so that he could come back and tell us: "Sancerre also deserves more consideration. Not too dry, but not too fruity, this wine fits with any meal." Or given that he was in Switzerland perhaps he stayed on to spend some of his hard cash to indulge his "passion for rare watches". This is an activity, he tells us, which "makes me deviate from the 'average man's' tastes," but sadly he doesn't elaborate.

His universally unloved team-mate Frank LeBouef, on the other hand, tells us on his website that his main hobby is getting dressed. "One can take great pleasure from getting dressed for the evening," he purrs. "I love....to see people dressed up for going out. [In London] the women have magnificent dresses." It's difficult to imagine WSC's London readership having any quibble with Frank's observation. You can hear it on audio too, in French, which makes it sound all the more authoritative.

His compatriot Emmanuel Petit, meanwhile, feels the need to explain to the world his love of musics (sic) and literature, and retells for our benefit the plot to Bret Easton Ellis' American Psycho.Ý "26-year-old Patrick Bateman....hangs out in showy places, snorts cocaine, and acts recklessly," he says, in a world "where money, bribery and violence rule." Does he really want to tell us this, or is it just a coded account of his time at Highbury? Reading on for further clues you will find the words "I've been fascinated with leather for a very long time..." at which point you might well want to make your excuses and log out.

Links:

http://www.kahn.de/

http://www.lotharmatthaeus.com/index.htm

http://www.marcel-desailly.com/

http://www.frankleboeuf.com/

http://www.emmanuelpetit.com/

July 2000 - Celebrity columnists

Big names, big opinions. Emerging as a person of public repute causes media topcats to assume you have something of importance to say. This is particularly true in football, where the juxtaposition of crass thought and a famous face has in recent years spawned more drivel-strewn column inches than the collected journalistic offerings of Frank LeBouef laid end to end. Inevitably, this cankerous trend has spread to the Internet.

Voice of Football is, to its credit, perhaps attempting to cram as much celebrity cliche onto one site as possible in the hope that it will cease to infest the rest of the web. And who better to bear the King of Controversy crown than Alan Green? No mere commentator, he is the self-appointed guardian of the game's morals who can stagger us with incisive rhetorical questions such as: "Who isn't lifted by playing in front of the Twin Towers?" No one, Alan! Apart perhaps from every cup final team for the past decade, not to mention an England line-up or two.

Both shallow and sanctimonious, he peddles self-righteous eyewash from his lofted gantry seat as if the name Green were bigger than the game itself. Joe Royle "acts like a big baby", he pouts. When some Man City fans complain about this, the nappy-waving really starts. "On Joe Royle," blusters Green. "HE started this business. HE was the one who was slagging me off." So there.

Celeb columnists also love to tell us how popular they are. "Robbie Earle is a valued friend of mine, a super guy, and great company," Green purrs. And his stable-mate Uri Geller, renowned for using his psychic powers to propel Reading to the top of the Premiership, relates the fascinating story of how he failed to recognise Juninho in New York one day, mistaking him for Gianfranco Zola. This serves as a good excuse to print a picture of Geller with his arms chummily thrown around the shoulders of both Zola and Roberto di Matteo.

As if determined to carve a niche for itself as the cesspit of populist punditry, Voice of Football generously donates a platform to interesting politician Tony Banks. "Whatís so outrageous about allowing footballers who live, play and earn their money in a country, being eligible to play for that countryís national team?" queries a man untalented enough to be sacked from the blandest cabinet in living memory. Well, what about it, eh? And another pint while we're talking about it, please. Penned-in columnists for the new season's full launch include Lawrence Marks, author of the worst football book ever (see WSC ??), and noted sage Sir Harfield Harris.

Trumpeted at the gates of FootballNews is the signing of fab new writer Desmond Lynam. Nice work, although after an initial spurt of one column in early February Des' muse seems to have eloped with Bob Wilson's long-lost personality. But what a corker that one column is. Read Des ponder upon "the old Wembley Stadium, scene of so many dramatic scenarios over the years." Hear him ramble about which matches ITV will cover during the coming months, wittily advising ahead of the England v Germany game at Euro 2000: "If your daughter is getting married that day - get her to postpone it." See him get a transfer to cosyjokes.com.

And where would a piece on celebrity-scribed, bumptious bilge be without mention of the repugnant bullfrog Mellor, whose customary twaddle now appears to have been expunged from the otherwise commendable Soccernet site? No need to reiterate his ill-considered, bampot bigotry here, but a fair reflection of its quality was his comment on Spurs' signing of Sergei Rebrov: "Just as two swallows don't make a summer, one Russian does not make a team." Or even one Ukrainian. But you can't expect a busy man like that to worry about mere details.

Links: Voice of Football - http://www.voiceoffootball.com/welcome.htm

FootballNews - Des Lynam's column -

http://www.footballnews.co.uk/regulars/des/home.page?column

Soccernet - http://www.soccernet.com/